The Death March

By: C. Kent, aka (Superman) The Death March I was suddenly awakened the other night by the demon of anti cycling ended up sitting in a chair next to my bed. “A challenge I have for you that will help settle the battle you have been waging against me for all these many years.” It seems as if I had slapped the demon in the face with my Mesa Metric and my Red Mountain Monster ride. The challenge was for me to put together a three quarter century on a warm memorial day and get at least three B riders and three A riders to finish the ride. There was a catch however. The Demon knew we had riders that could easily ride at least 75 miles so there would be four assistant demons that would follow and try to thwart us. Being sleepy I fell for it and posted a ride to Tom’s Farm and back through Railroad Canyon. I rode to Burger King to see who else would take up the challenge. I was surprised to see several riders show up to give the ride a try. Digger and Bloodhound were waiting for me and Dragon Slayer was unloading his truck. Highlander and Tax man arrived and my old friends Centaur and Phoenix were parked right next to them. Bulldozer and Closer pulled into the parking lot and told me Gambler was running late. I watched Jackal drive up followed by Newsboy. Finally Sasquatch rode up and I figured we were about ready to go just as MacGyver arrived. Not a bad group for such a challenge. We headed out to Latham and over to Lyon to start a ride north.

We started out slower than normal and were spread out over several blocks before we got to Devonshire. We started to close in on each other as we got to Esplanade and by Seventh Street we were in one big group heading north. It was at that point the first demon attacked and forced a small beetle into Bloodhound’s eye. It must have been a novice demon assistant because Dragon Slayer applied a magic healing spell on Bloodhounds eye and we were soon on our way.

Bloodhound was so recovered that he managed to lead us north towards Ramona and close to Nineteen MPH showing no signs of damage. It also seemed as if the assistant demon had a top speed of something less than nineteen because we had no more insect strikes as we made our way past De Anza Drive and turned west for the first time on Ramona.

We easily avoided the attacking demons as we headed west towards Sanderson and were soon waiting to make the turn at Sanderson and the Expressway. Once on the Expressway we devised a plan to confuse any following assistant demons, considering they might be more efficient than the first one. We broke into two groups with Bloodhound, Bulldozer, Gambler, MacGyver, Sasquatch, Jackal, Newsboy, Dragon Slayer and I in the first group and Highlander, Tax Man, Centaur, Phoenix, Closer and Digger in the second group. The first group was pulling away easily as we passed Warren and then Bridge and soon were out of sight and closing on Hansen. I had to work my tail off to get to the front to let them know I was going to fall back and wait for at least two riders. Highlander took a group south on Hansen and then Lakeview drawing some of the less experienced demons with his group while Digger rolled by me just as Closer pulled up. But we had one demon attack just as they turned on Lakeview and Closer got a small piece on metal stuck in his tire causing a flat. Once we were on the road again we were so far behind the lead group there was no chance of catching the lead group so we headed over the rollers and over the freeway alone before working our way to Lake Matthews.

We learned that the lead group had finished lunch and only two of them would be waiting for us when we got to Tom’s Farm. We still had La Sierra to get past and the drop down to Tamescal road so I knew it would take us at least 25 minutes to get to Tom’s Farm ourselves.

It did take us at least 20 minutes to get to the Farm because we had to stop so Digger could get so Gator Aid. I should have guessed a demon was closing in on us and was just waiting for a chance to attack. Even Closer started to complain, tongue in cheek, that his brakes must be dragging because he was feeling sluggish. I believe it was a spell by the anti cycling demons, because Closer was with me the last time I tried this very ride. But I was yet to be made aware of these attacks as we pulled into the Farm and decided to have lunch and listen to some music before heading for home.

I had a light lunch of mostly protein while Digger, Sasquatch, Jackal and Closer had a few more carbs. But we took our time before heading back out on the road going south towards Lake Elsinore. We were headed for Lake to make the turn towards Elsinore and I could see the bonk and pain demons had full hold on both Closer and Digger. What I didn’t know was that at the same time a kidney striking demon was attacking Bulldozer and had brought him to a stop. They had to call for a relief truck to remove him from the field of battle. A block or two later the flat demon had tied MacGyver to a tree and we had to watch to see if he was going to make a spare tube out of some cellophane while refilling his CO-2 cartridges with methane gas from grass clippings. It wasn’t working and he also had to be removed from the field of battle. We then had to schedule a pickup of Digger and Closer at Mickey Ds leaving only Jackal, Sasquatch and I to follow the remaining A group as they kept the hydration demon from stopping Bloodhound on their way home.

I managed to hit railroad canyon pretty hard and made it to Murrieta first before taking over pulling detail and heading for the saddle. Jackal decided to hit the Domenigoni climb pretty hard, a segment I didn’t even know existed, and we got to Leon well before Sasquatch who was running out of water.

I took turns with Jackal pulling back to Warren before putting my back into it and getting us back to Sanderson. As we turned north back towards Stetson I realized that as long as at least three of the A group and three of the B group finished the ride the Anti Cycling demon had lost the challenge. We crossed Sanderson together and in effect were heading for the home stretch. I heard the wail of pain and suffering the demon must have felt and we said our good- byes and headed for our homes. A hot shower and two more bottles of water and I was pretty much back to normal. My missing riders made I home as well and I would have to say we had a good ride.